stinglikeabee | Fic: My Blobby Blob, G

Title: My Blobby Blob
Claim: General DCU
Characters/Pairing: Bart, Robin, Kon, Cassie, Empress, Carol
Rating: G
Word Count: 1,342
Summary: Bart is told not to chew gum and run at the same time.
Disclaimer: DC owns ~~my soul~~ the characters
Prompt: That's just wrong (T15; P47)
Author's Notes/Warnings: Really silly. Hopes it makes sense!

'BART! What did Max tell you about chewing gum when running?'

Bart tilted his head to the side. 'Chew faster?'

There was a thud as palm met face. 'Mmmrrbr,' Robin said under his green glove.

Bart wondered if now would be a good time to ask for a dollar to buy more gum, but decided against it. He lazily blew a bubble, blinking rapidly when it popped and stuck to his bottom lip.

Anyway, Robbie didn't look like he was going to do anything more other than slouch with his shoulders to the ground with a grim expression. From what Bart has seen, this was practically the Bat-clan's default setting.

Which reminded him... It'd be a cinch to zip away and unpause level 14 of Vigilante Bounty Hunter on the Playbox just until the little swordsman made it to the secret cave of ninjas and be back before Robbie noticed.

Bart frowned. But Robbie always noticed. The week before, Bart had the cravings for a mocha chocolate chip peppermint shake in the middle of training and was gone for just a minute -- 77 seconds tops -- and sped back only for Robbie to start a lecture.

Like he was doing right now.

'... You're not listening are you?'

'No.'

The other boy sighed heavily. 'I said, at the high speeds you're traveling, you could easily choke on something as little as chewing gum.'

Bart wrapped his hands around his throat. 'What? But I chew gum and run all the time and it never happens! Look, let me show you.'

'Ba-- GET BACK HERE!'

He screeched to a halt and pouted. 'No need to yell, Robbie.'

'If you would only--'

Cassie busted through the door, breathing heavily. 'Guys, there's trouble at the waterfront!'

Bart grinned at the blessed interruption. Not willing to give up, Robin swivelled slowly to fully impact the patented Bat-glare. 'We'll. Talk. Later.'

***

The trouble turned out to be a 14-foot transparent blob leaking copious amounts of red liquid all over a carousel decades past its prime. The ruffled top perched on the blobby's head, swaying dangerous back and forth. The creature was too large to ride a single painted horse, so it had draped bits of its quivering body over the other stirrupped animals. Only the agonising squeaks made by the pinned wheels under the ride revealed the damage caused by the sole occupant.

'Can I say it?' said Empress, the only one (other than Robbie of course) who wasn't gawping at the sight. 'I was not expecting this.'

'Amen,' said the team.

Bart bent down and dipped a finger into the pool of crimson goo, and licked it. 'Hey! It tastes like Kool-Aid!'

'EW, BART!' Cassie covered her face. Kon made a gagging noise behind her. 'You don't know where it's been.'

'Then how else I am going to find out what it tastes like?'

'Dat's just wrong,' said Empress.

'I KNOW, that could have been...' Cassie stopped herself and blushed. 'Erm, you know, menst-- peri--- Robin, you tell him!'

'Bart, that was very dangerous of you.'

Bart rolled his eyes.

'It could have been a toxic bodily emission.'

In between cackles Kon managed to add, 'From its butt!'

There were loud clucks of disapproval by the girls. By the time it dissipated, Kon's face had returned to its normal colour, but his arms remained grasping at his sides. 'OH MY GOD,' he puffed. 'Would you look at that thing's eyes?!'

Which was something everyone else had taken great pains not to mention. Who could avoid the sight of a pair of googly eyes the size of truck tires? But it seemed rude to point out the obvious; after all, no one said anything about Kon and his unfortunate disco-era belt. That was just rude.

The creature convulsed on the carousel as Kon's guffaws reverberated around the waterfront. Bart and the others glanced up, and took a step back as a tide of red ooze spilled from its unsteady eyes.

'Aww, the poor thing is crying!'

Robin rose and slipped a full vial into his utility belt. 'Hnh. Better get this to the lab-- I mean, awww.'

'Kon, you get back here and apologize, or so help me Hera--'

'Oh please,' said Kon, not bothering to contain his smirk. 'What's there to apologize for? Not my fault Ms Jello Monster with the crazy eyes got herself stuck on a children's ride.'

The creature trembled and the entire carousel structure began to wobble dangerously. The shouts between the trio of girls against Kon was starting to give Bart a headache. He raced up the carousel steps, ignoring Robin's belated warning.

'You're nothing but a big bully, Kon!'

'Moi?' Kon hovered so the two were eye to eye. 'Whatever.' He sneered. 'I was Superman's replacement for a while, yanno. I could do better than... than... rescuing stupid gooey aliens from broken-down amusement rides!'

'Oh yeah?' Bart pursed his lips. 'Well, I bet Superman never complained when he had to, unlike you, you big whiner!'

Kon reddened as the rest of his teammates booed and hissed. 'I am not a whiner!'

'Yeah! And, and, this poor thing can't help being this size. I bet it's glandular, or some--'

Bart's hands flew to his throat. He saw Kon watching him with suspicion, and flailed his arms
hoping a lightbulb would go off. It being Kon, it took Robin's frantic yells and Bart turning blue to get him moving. Bart felt himself drifting off into a gray landscape, his last thoughts of a box of itching powder hidden in a shoebox under his bed, never to be tipped into Kon's hair...

Strong arms firmly circled around his abdomen, and knocked the wind out of Bart's sails. He gasped, crumpling to the ground and spluttered.

'Bart? Are you okay, buddy?'

He nodded, and Kon called over his shoulder. 'He says he's fine!'

'What happened?'

'Choked on a piece of gum. Robbie said he did warn you.'

Bart vigorously shook his head. ''Hah! Tell Robbie he was only half right. I wasn't running!' He let the other boy help him to his feet. 'So what happened to the gum?'

Kon squinted at the creature. 'That way, I think. Oh.'

Bart followed Kon's gaze. 'Woah, that's like six feet!' Another head tilt. 'But why is she hugging it?'

A sloshing sound drowned out Kon's reply. They watched in fascination as the tiny speck that once was chewing gum was first engulfed into the creature's liquidy insides, and then melted away. Finished with whatever that was, the blobby creature vibrated and turned fuschia.

Bart was not feeling at all lucky now. 'What... just happened?'

'Too late,' said Kon, clamping a hand on the speedster's shoulder. Bart noticed his teammate was wearing his best impression of Robin,but it still carried a trace of that insufferable smirk. 'An Uggo monster has your DNA now. Here.' He pulled out a business card. 'Trust me, you'll be needing this.'

'What is it?'

'Oh, just the number of Green Arrow's lawyer.'

***

'...And that's what happened nearly seven years ago.'

Bart waited. Carol's eyebrows were still raised, meaning a) she found his explanation plausible, b) she was in a state of shock, or c) she was going to throw something at his head.

It was the last option.

'Bartholomew!' The little creases between her eyebrows deepened, something Bart usually found endearing in his wife. 'I may have taken an oath to love and cherish you, but it doesn't mean I've lost my intelligence in the process!'

Bart ducked a soaring coffee mug. 'But honey...'

'Or maybe it does!' She threw up her hands in the air and let out a frustrated growl. 'You better come up with a better explanation when I get back or URGH--'

The front door opened and slammed, rattling the pictures frames on the wall.

With a sigh, Bart dropped to one knee and hugged a sniffling blobby thing with a very familiar shock of brown hair. 'Don't worry, my little Bart Jr.'

The little blob shook like a plate of jello encased in an airtight bodysuit. A bodysuit with a spiffing update on his old Impulse costume, he noted with pride.

'She just needs a little time to get used to you.'

Bart planted a kiss on its translucent forehead and came away with a string of slime.

'Um. Sweetie, tell Daddy if this is going to kill him, okay?'